Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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