All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
