I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
