i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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