Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
