Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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