Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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