I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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