i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
