Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
