3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
