i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
