I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
