Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
