You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
