Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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