The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
