mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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