was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
