I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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