well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
