Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
