I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
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