my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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