new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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