Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
