my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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