I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize