weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
