I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
home. puking in laundry basket.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
