I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
