Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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