Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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