I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
