I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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