theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
