i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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