pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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