If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
