I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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