I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
