I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
