508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
