Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
where are my eyebrows?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
