# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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