Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize