I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
