I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
