Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
