Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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