He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
