No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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