he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
