She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She told me I should be a condom model.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
