Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
