this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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