She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
