he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
