My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
