i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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